Breadcrumbs and Bullsh*t
Why some men treat dating like a game they lose interest in once they start winning.
Honestly, it's kind of impressive that a man managed to disappoint me without us ever actually meeting.
How is that even possible, you ask?
I'd been speaking to this man on and off for about a year and a half. At first, he was enthusiastic. Flirty messages. "We should FaceTime." "When am I seeing you?" The kind of consistency that convinces you someone might actually own a calendar.
Travelling from London to Birmingham was, apparently, the equivalent of asking this man to cross the Atlantic in a rowboat. Sending flirty messages? Effortless. Following more girls on Instagram? A breeze. Booking a train? Now, let's not be unreasonable.
The worst part? I convinced myself every single one of his excuses was totally valid.
He didn't reply because he was "busy working," yet somehow found the time to upload numerous mirror selfies and follow ten new people on Instagram. A remarkable level of productivity, really.
He couldn't come and see me that weekend because he was "drained" from work. Completely understandable, obviously. Until he uploaded a story from a rave the same night, explaining he was "forced to go by his friends."
Forced.
I can only assume someone physically dragged him onto the dance floor and forced him to two-step with gun fingers at the ripe old age of 25.
A true victim of circumstance.
The sad part? The only person I had to confront was myself.
There is, annoyingly, a psychological explanation for why I kept falling for this pattern and why many other women do too. Tochkov (2025) analysed breadcrumbing in romantic relationships and linked the behaviour to attachment theory and reinforcement principles: the occasional signals of interest can keep a connection alive without it ever actually progressing.
Which, when you think about it, is basically dating's version of a loading screen: it gives you the illusion that you're getting somewhere, only to redirect you to an error page the moment you think you might actually be making progress.
Some people think breadcrumbing is just a phenomenon invented by women on TikTok in an attempt to diagnose an "avoidant" man who hasn't texted back.
However, the study Online Fairytales: Breadcrumbing and Ghosting Behavior Among Young Adults looked at 578 people aged 18–27, 72% of whom were women. The study found that breadcrumbing behaviour was predicted by factors including previous breadcrumbing experiences, moral disengagement, toxic disinhibition and psychological distress.
Which is a very scientific way of saying that some people really can see another human being as a notification they don't want to delete.
But instead of accepting the reality in front of me, I romanticised his inconsistency as potential. I convinced myself that if I could just become the person who made him want to try, it would mean he finally saw me as someone worth showing up for.
Time and time again, this man showed me exactly who he was and how much effort he was willing to give.
And that was the moment I realised maybe all the "healing" I'd been doing hadn't fully made it into practice yet.
Because apparently, all it took to derail my entire emotional security system was a mediocre man with a mullet and a Wi-Fi connection.
His validation became my life support, and whenever he would touch base, I'd feel like he had finally realised what he had.
Boy, was I wrong.
You would have thought we were reenacting Insidious with the way this man ghosted me.
Well, technically, I suppose he never ghosted me, as that would have required him to fully close the door.
And it was much more convenient for him to leave it slightly ajar, especially when he'd exhausted all of his Hinge prospects within a five-mile radius.
And there is a distinction. A 2025 analysis of digital dating behaviours separates ghosting, a definitive end to communication, from breadcrumbing, where intermittent contact keeps the connection alive.
Which, unfortunately, makes what he was doing feel less like a disappearance and more like being kept in the waiting room.
I'd argue that being left in emotional limbo is just as disconcerting. At least silence is an answer. The occasional act of reconnection, however, offers a flicker of hope.
Just enough to keep you hooked.
At least rejection would have been clear.
The strange thing about rejection is that, at least, it gives you information. Breadcrumbing doesn't.
A 2025 experimental study examining ambiguous rejection in early online dating found that people who were ghosted remained more emotionally attached to the person than those who received explicit rejection, suggesting that being left without an answer can make it harder to achieve closure.
Which perhaps explains why I spent six months trying to solve a mystery that could have been resolved by one man simply saying, "Sorry, I'm not that interested."
But then again, I suppose that would have required honesty, and breadcrumbs are much easier to leave when you have no intention of serving the whole meal.
And that's the thing about breadcrumbs: eventually, you have to stop mistaking them for dinner.
Sources & Further Reading
Tochkov, K. (2025). “Breadcrumbing in Romantic Relationships: A Conceptual and Theoretical Analysis.” Advances in Social Sciences Research Journal, 12(8), 248–251.
Cobzeanu, A., & Măirean, C. (2025). “Online Fairytales: Breadcrumbing and Ghosting Behavior Among Young Adults.” Deviant Behavior, 47(4), 742–761.
Schokkenbroek, J. M., Telari, A., Pancani, L., & Riva, P. (2025). “What is (not) ghosting? A theoretical analysis via three key pillars.” Computers in Human Behavior, 168, Article 108637.
Szczesniak, A. L., Pierce, M. E., & Spielmann, S. S. (2025). “Give Up the Ghost: Emotional and Behavioral Responses to Ambiguous Rejection.” Personal Relationships, 32(3), e70018.